Intersection

Caution: This post doesn't contain anything that really matters for you all. This is just a simple life update of mine.

We've all been there, feeling insecure because of other people's achievements. We tend to look above, seeing all those glamours other people have achieved. And that is where I am now.

Tangled Intersection. Source: Wikipedia

I don't know. I thought upon completing my thesis, I would feel satisfied. But no, no. Now I am feeling more insecure than ever. I feel really jealous if one of my friends posts a job update on their LinkedIn page. I feel insecure if one of my friends updated an Instastory of his/her workplace on Instagram. Even though I know, in this crazy pandemic time, there is barely a job vacancy. Bu still, my heart is full of jealousy, full of the desire of wanting more.

I get this feeling of Fearing of Missing Out (FOMO). I fear what if I don't get a job while most of my friends have gotten a job? What if..what if.. what if..? Thousands of what if(s) cross into my mind. Making my days mostly filled with overthinking(s). I feel guilty whenever I am unproductive, even though I know that I have done good enough and I deserve the rest.

Now I know that I have plans for my future, yes. I am going to share with you. I have a keen interest in Offshore Engineering. There are job vacancies related to offshore engineering. I have applied to those job vacancies but, I haven't got a single reply. I was really picky about jobs, but now I'm desperate. I have applied to whichever job vacancies related to my major. But still, I haven't got a reply. Now my plans, I don't know about it. My plan now is just to follow the stream, follow wherever this life takes me.

You might remember that I like coding and stuff. But seriously, I don't know, the spirit of it has gone now. I used to be so excited about coding. But my dreams, my old dreams felt like dead four years ago, when I decided to apply to Ocean Engineering. Now I begin to think, did I made the right decision? Was I too afraid to pursue my dreams, my passion, my real motives? I don't know. I was 17 when I had to decide on my major. I hadn't grown up yet. What did a 17 years old boy know? Why should he take a decision that will impact the rest of his life? Well, I wish this is the best track for me. For now, I'll stick with Ocean Engineering.

The other problem besides career is well, you know me. Of course. If you are my close friends or follow my Twitter, chances are you know my problems. You know what  I have been chasing for but still haven't got it. Relationship. Yeah. Why is it easy for people to have a girlfriend?? Like why why why. Well, I don't know. I guess I'm so picky. I'm way too picky. Say if I know a girl or dated a girl, I always overanalyze (Man, I should not even use the word analyze). Like, is she good? Is she beautiful enough for me? (not gonna lie about this part), Is she compatible with me? Is she religious enough? and et cetera.

I'm always confused. Source: Vecteezy

I kinda don't understand myself. Sometimes, I liked a girl, and she likes me back. But suddenly I lost interest in her because, I don't know what... That's just the way I am. And sometimes I really like a girl, she kinda likes me back, then I confessed, but I got rejected. Often times it's because I was a simp, chasing a girl without her bringing anything to the table, like one sided love but it's more than that. Yeah well, I remember one of my friends said, "You're a picky guy who's never be picked". Like damn yeah, that hit me like a train. It was two years ago but I still remember it. 

I don't know. I don't understand relationships. Like, can friendship between man and woman exist? See, I rarely befriend girls. Because, I don't want one of the parties involved to have feelings for one another. Feelings are dangerous, for me. It is not something that I can't control. So whenever I uh, intensely talk to one of you girls, big chances are that I'm into you. But I don't want to confess because, I've been rejected way more than I have been not. Yeah, relationship with girls for me is like, a tangled earphone. It's so complicated. You may think that I am exaggerating it but no, that's just who I am.

So, like this post's title, I am now at the intersection now. Between one choice and another. I hope that I won't be long at this intersection. And I hope that whatever the path that I choose, will lead me to the best destination, I hope Allah guides me to the righteous path.